my favorite lines from caroline calloway's counterclaim to her lawyer
is this what she's been writing all this time?
I’m not ashamed to admit I love Caroline Calloway. Therefore, when I heard on Twitter that my bestie was up her old tricks, I felt a deep desire to do a deep dive into what I found.
Here’s the breakdown. In March of 2022, Caroline was filed a suit by her previous landlord for skipping out on some 40k of rent in the West Village apartment she has occupied for over 10 years. Photos of the apartment’s disarray were shared online.
Yes - that apartment. The one where she hosted her notorious “scam” creativity seminars in 2019 and, as of late, has covered the hard floors with white paint (around piles of stuff.) Her landlord is asking for 25k in damages and, unsurprisingly, for the 40k of unpaid rent. They reference an article, a profile on Calloway by Brock Colyar for Curbed as evidence for much of their claims. I had a good time imagining a team of lawyers sifting for clues amongst lines like the following: “This past Monday night at 8 p.m., Caroline FaceTimes me again from the bathtub, boobs out, just like the first time we ever spoke.”
On Tuesday, the queen spoke, in a counterclaim. I say Calloway spoke, as I have a hard time believing that anyone other than Caroline was responsible for the “Facts” section of the counterclaim: possibly the most hyperbolic defense I have ever encountered. Let’s explore my favorite lines.
“There are fancier apartment buildings in New York City than 205 West 13th Street, but to Ms. Calloway, for over ten years, it was the most perfect home she had ever known.”
Caroline continues, saying she “loved that little building,” which was “not only her favorite home, but her first.”
For the seven following bullet points, Caroline details the labor she put into turning the complex’s “barren, garbage-strewn, packed-dirt lot” into a packed garden with flowers (perennials, daffodils, tulips to be exact), two expensive lilac bushes, and herbs. It was hard work. The “miniature muddy landfill” took half a year to clean. There was broken glass, shredded wrappers, plastic, and of course, “one million cigarette butts.” The earth below the garbage, once tilled, “filled the air with a wretched smell.” To solve the problem:
“Ms. Calloway bought a black sand beach’s worth of topsoil and a bioweapon’s worth of fertilizer.”
By the end of her garden restoration, and after adding “five winding paths” with “100 tea candles,” an antique birdbath, a grill, two tables, eight patio chairs, and a freestanding hammock, she had spent over 10k. I don’t know exactly how much night-blooming jasmine and mini-Japanese maples cost. I will leave it up to you, and the photo of the garden itself, to make a judgment call on Caroline’s estimation here.
“Ms. Calloway bought gloves, hoes, rakes, more hoes, more rakes. She recruited friends. The glass kept ripping their gloves, but they finally found a brand that worked.”
However, Caroline did not stop there. Her personal unit renovations cost an estimated 25k. She paid out of pocket to have the bathroom and kitchen retiled and bought a porcelain sink to replace the original ceramic. Brace yourself.
“She installed a French midcentury-modern hanging-lamp in the bathroom, as well as a real Murano-glass Venetian chandelier from in the entryway. The chandelier alone is worth more than $3,000, and the French lamp worth several hundred. Each of these antique chattels were left to be enjoyed by the future inhabitants of her beloved 205.”
Keep in mind. Caroline is asking for reimbursement for her improvements to her apartment and the garden: “Calloway is also entitled to a refund of the expenses she paid in services and improvements made to Plaintiff’s building.” One may ask what drives a person to undertake lengthy and laborious projects that no one has asked them to complete. I am on Caroline’s side here. But even I can’t help but ponder her decision to spend thousands of dollars on adding “an Old-World grandeur to an otherwise unassuming studio” and then demand the money back.
Regardless, this has been my favorite thing Caroline Calloway has written in years. I miss her. I might even miss the white floors too.